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Secretary Of Predation Geithner, Bank Of America, And The Law Of The Foreclosure Jungle

Submitted by a hedge fund manager who wishes to remain anonymous.


Bank of America Discovers Some Trivial Technical Problems With a Small Number of Mortgages

Bank of America announced that it has discovered a few trivial, easily-remedied technical problems with some of its mortgages.  “We will stop foreclosure sales in some states until our assessment has been satisfactorily completed, or until the politicians whom we have compensated so generously do their damn jobs and get rid of those pesky laws and rights that are slowing us down.  Our ongoing assessment shows the basis for foreclosure decisions is accurate, except in those few regrettable cases where we repossessed a house that actually had no mortgage on it whatsoever—hey, nobody’s perfect, ha ha,” a Bank of America spokescreature said.  “It’s really quite a lot of trouble to verify the address before we take someone’s house,” the spokescreature continued.  “Comparing addresses on two documents slows us up by a good fifteen seconds.  After all, we have a lot of houses to foreclose on.  Anyway, many of those people actually do owe money to us, or to somebody, anyway.  I know it is a bit confusing to citizens when our competitor HSBC and another bank simultaneously try to foreclose on the same property, especially when they are in a federal foreclosure prevention program.  It’s sort of like one of those programs on Animal Planet where each hyena grabs a leg of the still twitching gazelle and tries to pull it away from the other hyenas.  But that’s the way nature works—nobody asks those hyenas petty-minded questions about whether title to the gazelle was properly transferred, and to which hyena, and whether the title was properly notarized by an authorized local cheetah.  Sometimes a company just has to sink its fangs into a customer, lock its jaws, which can exert a pressure of 1,000 pounds per square inch, brace its legs, yank, and see what tears loose.  If we get the wrong gazelle, we will make every effort to compensate it for our erroneous gnawing, bone-crushing, and marrow-sucking.”

“It appears that some of our process servers may not have actually served the owners with notice of our intent to foreclose.  But, honestly, wouldn’t warning them make it a whole lot harder to catch them? It is a myth that hyenas giggle and cackle before they attack.  Actually, they are usually quite silent until they get close enough to bite.  On the Serengeti, due process means that the gazelle runs as fast as it can and the pack keeps ripping small chunks off until the gazelle collapses due to shock and blood loss and inability to pay for a lawyer.  There may have been some trivial, unimportant problems with the relevant documents, but we are confident that many of those gazelles really did owe us money, and we believe that our ripping them into pieces, digesting them, and regurgitating their horns and hooves is ecologically sound and generally in accord with the law of nature.  Now, if you’ll excuse me, I will have to go mark the boundaries of my pack’s territory with the musk from my anal scent gland.  We don’t want other hyena packs like J.P. Morgan invading our turf.  That could be a real mess—those guys know how to sink their fangs in, and they know how to break down the door of a house and change the locks even when they haven’t foreclosed on the property.”

Asked for comment, a J.P. Morgan spokesperson said, “We have no interest in invading the grasslands turf of Bank of America or HSBC because we are not hyenas.  We are amphibious apex predators, and our preferred mode of foreclosure is to lurk underwater by the bank of a river.  When a gazelle or a wildebeest sticks its muzzle in the water, we surge upward and, um, serve papers on it, or something.  Or grab a leg and go into our famous death roll, spinning and thrashing until the leg comes off.  Then we like to take the borrower’s corpse up-river for a few days of what we in the mortgage business call ‘seasoning’.  We would also like to remind you puny, pathetic citizens that we can grow to twenty-three feet long, we can gallop at up to seventeen miles per hour for short distances, we have maintained our distinctive business culture successfully since before dinosaurs evolved, we have thick dorsal osteoderms which are hard to penetrate even with an axe, and we are much more biologically complex than other reptiles: unlike them, we have features like a cerebral cortex and a four-chambered heart, and many of us have Ivy League degrees.  We recommend that AMBAC and Pimco think carefully about all of these features before trying to push their mortgage-backed securities back onto our balance sheet.  As for any legislators or prosecutors who might be thinking about going after us, we have very slow metabolisms.  We can submerge for an hour and go for months without eating.  We will outwait you and probably eventually hire you as a lobbyist.  We would also like to note, though, that we are not without compassion.  We honor our prey and weep for it: do you see the large tears rolling out of our eyes and down our scaly cheeks?  You probably thought crocodile tears were a mere myth or proverb, but we do in fact have lachrymal glands that secrete a proteinaceous fluid.  Crying has an important place in our corporate culture: it lubricates our eyes and cleans our nictitating membranes.”

The Senate and the House, with remarkable foresight, passed HR 3808, a bill to facilitate the sharing of taxpayer carcasses across state lines.   The bill’s sponsor, Representative Robert Aderholt, an Alabama Republican, said, “It is important to ensure that multiple species of predators can efficiently divide a taxpayer carcass and transport pieces of it from one waterhole to another.”  The banking industry suffered a temporary setback when President Obama was forced to veto HR 3808.  David Axelrod, an advisor to President Obama, said, “Many gazelles and springboks still seem to be agitated about this issue.  But we can ignore them—they are, after all, mere herbivores, and their lobbying efforts lack teeth.  We have complete confidence in our ability to find some swift, quiet resolution of this problem now that the election is over.”  Iowa Attorney General Tom Miller concurred, saying, “We’d like to resolve this as soon as possible.  No predator needs to be seriously inconvenienced, but all fifty attorneys general are united in their determination to see that state governments get their fair share of the taxpayer carrion.  Our model is the tobacco settlements, where the tobacco companies got to keep trying to addict precocious adolescents and we got the money we needed to raise the salaries of state employees.  Our other model is the marabou stork, a scavenger which mainly eats after the big predators have finished and is happy to eat feces as well as carrion and fish eggs, and which has a naked head and neck to ensure that its feathers don’t become clotted with blood.”   Secretary of Predation Timothy Geithner added, “I think we can all agree that our nation’s highest priority is to ensure a steady and increasing flow of protein to our apex predators.  Crocodiles and hyenas are actually very delicate creatures, and any regulatory interference with their feeding habits could have a catastrophic effect on the entire ecosystem.”  Despite their superficial differences, both parties fervently agree on the crucial importance of making life easier for apex predators.


Sometimes in nature, the predator loses...


Video:  The gazelle outsmarts the hyena and the cheetah

Watch the final 45 seconds...



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Reader Comments (21)

Mr Hyena can't be late for dinner

Forgetting to feed your pets once in a while is not the end of the world – but it could be a matter of life and death for one man, who has a savage loyal following.

Nov 14, 2010 at 11:31 PM | Registered CommenterDailyBail
Very nicely done. Like Taibbi crossed with Swift. Great piece.
Nov 15, 2010 at 12:37 AM | Registered CommenterDr. Pitchfork
yes...he's an excellent writer...too bad he can't take credit...
Nov 15, 2010 at 12:46 AM | Registered CommenterDailyBail
Nov 15, 2010 at 12:51 AM | Registered CommenterDailyBail
Nice story above, just one problem with old gators, sometimes they find themselves on the menu,


They are simple to prepare,

2 cups flour
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon coarse pepper
cajun spice to taste
1 pound gator meat
Vegetable oil, for frying

Mix flour, salt, and pepper in a large bowl with hands. Rinse gator and drain water. Dip in flour mixture. Shake off excess flour. Heat 1/2-inch vegetable oil in a deep frying pan to 350 degrees F. Drop the floured gator in pan and fry for 5 minutes or until golden brown. Serve immediately.

Ribs ain't bad either...

Ain't got no hyenna's round here, but I suppose they fall just like coyotes, heh, heh.
Nov 15, 2010 at 1:45 AM | Unregistered CommenterS. Gompers
excellent clip gomp...the author of this story sent me an email saying he enjoyed your recipe and clip...
Nov 15, 2010 at 10:35 PM | Registered CommenterDailyBail
i added your recipe and video to the clip, gomp...thanks...
Nov 15, 2010 at 10:39 PM | Registered CommenterDailyBail
I enjoyed his writing style, You know, sometimes the predators discribed above sometimes forget they are not the only predators.

Bon Appetite, laissez les bon temps rouler!!! Bonjour Mes Amis.


AAAAAAAHHHEEEEE, somebody pass the mud bugs...
Nov 16, 2010 at 1:57 AM | Unregistered CommenterS. Gompers
I am the author of this whimsy (Augustus Melmotte is not my real name). And I am grateful for the intelligent and amusing comments and the tasty-sounding recipe. I hope to try it out on a crocodile soon. AaaAARGH!!!! Are the corrupt morons who govern this country not going to punish anyone at all for these staggeringly large crimes? You would think that even their instinct for self-preservation would lead them to single out at least a few scapegoats and throw them under the bus. Seeing Ken Lewis led away in handcuffs wouldn't really fix anything, but it would definitely make me feel better...
Nov 16, 2010 at 11:52 AM | Unregistered CommenterAugustus Melmotte
Augustus Melmotte,

I just want to say again, the writing here is fantastic. I loved this piece -- the irony, the double entendres, the Swiftian satire. Very nicely done.
Nov 16, 2010 at 12:13 PM | Registered CommenterDr. Pitchfork
Something happened today. Was it a watershed day for taxpayers in their struggle for reason and financial accountability from bailout recipients? Still not clear, but the online forums, where even the most afflicted stalk quietly on most days, were today scenes of carnage, hemorraghing from the insatiable bloodlust of a seething beast, the angry American taxpayer. The game, Bank CEO Bloodsport. It was Rome, the Coliseum was SRO, and it was a bad, bad day to be a gladiator. And the plebes were none too amused at Taxpayer Bitches Ken Lewis and John Thain. ( Yes. We own you now. Gone are your days of waste on our children's dime. Our recommendation: focus on the fight to keep your name from becoming a federal prison serial # and your suit from being exchanged for something more one-pieceish, and orange. The quick-on, quick-off functionality of your new threads will soon make sense.)

For you have crossed a line. And though occasionally appearing docile, not unlike a junkyard dog, this taxpayer does not like to be crossed. And today, Thain and Lewis (or FP# 551008001 and FP# 551008002) , Mr. Leroy Brown woke up.


I wrote this 23 months ago, in my first 2 weeks...i didn't know what i was doing with the site at that point...but i wanted to see ken lewis in orange...
Nov 16, 2010 at 12:52 PM | Registered CommenterDailyBail
Jim Chanos Says We Will See Orange Jumpsuits Soon. Warning To Richard Fuld And Joe Cassano »


Another flashback..it's a solid clip...
Nov 16, 2010 at 12:55 PM | Registered CommenterDailyBail
I remember those days, DB, as you well know. For several months, not a day went by without someone calling for Geithner or Lewis's head. On a stick. And that was just for appetizers. The overt bloodlust has died down a bit (for some), but the level of awareness has grown so much. Enjoyed your excerpt -- I hadn't read that one before.
Nov 16, 2010 at 1:43 PM | Registered CommenterDr. Pitchfork
The overt bloodlust has died down a bit (for some), but the level of awareness has grown so much.


i agree completely...awareness is so high now that even my mother is angry...and that's saying something...

i'm about to put the banque stop! post...
Nov 16, 2010 at 2:06 PM | Registered CommenterDailyBail
Thanks for your kind words, Dr. Pitchfork. I am writing to keep myself from blowing a gasket...
Nov 19, 2010 at 5:00 PM | Unregistered CommenterAugustus Melmotte
It was Congress that started the economic rape of Americans in 1999 with the repeal of the Glass-Steagal act. Wall Street then went on a binge of mortgage derivatives. The reason mortgages were handed out like candy was because while the mortgages themselves were of dubious profitability, the mortgage-backed securities were a hot-selling item that made the bundlers rich beyond dreams of avarice.

But there was a problem. There were not enough mortgages to meet the demand for mortgage-backed securities.

Wall Street tried to pull the greatest financial scam in history, selling mortgage-backed securities with mortgages that were already in default, or mortgages re-pledged as collateral to multiple investment packages, or in some cases no actual collateral at all. The insiders made billions on the deals.

But as the fraud became known, the European banks who had bought these investments all demanded a refund. The demands were enforced with threat of public exposure or a run on the US financial system as was demonstrated in February 2009, when a massive electronic withdrawal of funds nearly crashed the US banking system; a financial shot across the bow!

Wall Street started buying back the bad paper, in order to stay out of jail, but printing up new dollars simply cheapened all dollars leaving no way to pull ahead of the mounting losses. Banks hovered at insolvency.

The banks needed new assets to put on the balance sheets, and the US Government provided one by confiscating wealth from the people and giving it to the banks. But whereas Franklin Roosevelt's 1933 gold grab had been open and above-board, the US Government decided that this new wealth-grab had to be more covert in order to prevent a public backlash.

The Bush Administration gave tax incentives to corporations that encouraged offshoring. (The Obama administration continues the process) The plan was simple; Take Americans ability to pay their mortgages, letting the banks take their homes to stay solvent! Americans whose homes were confiscated were fooled into thinking it was their own fault.

The reason Europeans are tossing Molotov Cocktails is because they think their tax money should be spent on the people, and not on saving bankers from their own greed and recklessness. "Austerity" means making do with less, so the bankers can have more. Nobody likes that.
Dec 30, 2010 at 10:30 AM | Unregistered CommenterMichael Rivero
well said mike...
Jan 4, 2011 at 4:28 AM | Registered CommenterDailyBail
Mr. hedge fund should listen to what the Bible says about and history confirms about pride. Geithner and his kind are not predators, because predators rely on their senses to obtain food. Geithner is more like a sprat. And fate is an anglerfish.
Geithner and his ilk graze on the green because the investors are not aware of the new esoteric but simple laws utilized by Geithner and co. to graze at will. Those using deregulation to throw good judgement and professional courtesy and respect out the window are little aware that the anglerfish has opened its mouth... The pirates using these laws to rip-off the publics' hard earned savings are violating the trust that exists among civilized people to contribute and help in each others' development and needs and entertainment. There is nothing entertaining about having your life's savings stolen from you. And punishing the punk that did it does not repair the damage. Geithner is a fool and has earned many thorough beatings. Beatings I'm sure he has not prepared himself for. There are millions of people who have earned the right to tar and feather anybody who used the Reagan-Bush deregulation to pretend that pillage is work. The public is given no chance to react because they trust. Trust is what built society.
Jun 27, 2011 at 11:11 PM | Unregistered CommenterHoward T. Lewis III
When I think of Brian Moynihan or Barabra Desoer, I think of the song by John Lennon called Piggies:
So if it walks like a piggy, talks like a piggy, by golly it’s a PIGGY!

BofA and it’s CEO Brian Moynihan reminds me of that song by John Lennon and George Harrison titled "Piggies" I invite you to listen to this song on youtube and see if it appropriately fits.
Have you seen the little piggies
Crawling in the dirt
And for all the little piggies
Life is getting worse
Always having dirt to play around in.
Have you seen the bigger piggies
In their starched white shirts
You will find the bigger piggies
Stirring up the dirt
Always have clean shirts to play around in.
In their ties with all their backing
They don't care what goes on around
In their eyes there's something lacking
What they need's a damn good whacking.
Everywhere there's lots of piggies
Living piggy lives
You can see them out for dinner
With their piggy wives
Clutching forks and knives to eat their bacon.

When I filed my lawsuit against Bank of America, I thought of the many others out there in the same situation. It was then that we decided to educate the public on what these piggy banks are doing, as well as unite us all together as one voice. Please help me turn this David vs. Goliath modification process, into a Goliath vs. Goliath.
Please stand with me and Brookstone Law Firm, and send an email to Bank of Abusing America that states that we will no longer tolerate their potentially illegal, fraudulent, irregular and abusive business methods.
So please send your email directly to Bank of America and include the following:
1. Your name
2. Your complaint concerning your experience with Bank of America.
3. Please end your email “I support John Wright vs. BofA Lawsuit!”
4. Please send a copy of your email to piggybankblog@earthlink.net
5. Please send your email to BofA CEO Brian Moynihan:
I have created piggybankblog.com for all of those who have been abused by Bank of Destroying Americas potentially irregular, fraudulent and simply abusive home loan modification process.
Divided we might have fell America. UNITED WE MUST STAND!
My name is John Wright AND I AM FIGHTING BACK!
John Wright
Jun 28, 2011 at 5:12 AM | Unregistered Commenterpiggybankblog
We are being sold down the river once again, only this time it's the States Attorney Generals who are doing the bidding of the banks just like every other politician in this country save a few. These fines the banks are receiving are complete jokes, and in no way correspond to the reality that these banks stole many hundreds of billions of dollars from every American Taxpayer, as well as the homeowners who certainly have standing when the paperwork doesn't exist or the robosigners have been busy forging documents. This country no longer stands for any kind of rule of law, and it's the wild west for anyone on main street while the financial megaminds took in $144 Billion Dollars last year. Let them eat cake seems to be the answer from the elites to Joe 6 Pack.

When a man loses everything, and has nothing left to lose, he loses it. Per Gerald Celente, and I couldn't agree more. Keep pissing on the leg of Joe 6 Pack while telling him it's just rain. The bell will toll for thee elites, and your time is coming!
Jul 22, 2011 at 11:42 AM | Unregistered CommenterSPECTRE of Deflation

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