The Daily Bail

FROM THE OFFICE OF SATAN:

"Prince of Lies and Proud of It"

Dear Hank:

You have outdone yourself once again, my loyal servant, with these fraudulent, deliciously deceptive proposals to reform the utterly corrupt financial system you exploited so profitably as head of Goldman Sachs.

My plans for the destruction of the United States of America have been going along rather swimmingly until we rushed things a bit with Bear Stearns--ah, the wondrous power of pure, unmitigated greed! It remains my favorite tool--and calls for reform were suddenly everywhere.

The rules which would have undone us were simple indeed, as you know all too well:

1. complete transparency of risk and leverage in all financial documents and financial instruments
2. the marking to market of all financial instruments and assets at the close of the trading day, as is currently done with commodities futures and stock options
3. the banning of "off balance sheet" accounting
4. the banning of offshore accounts and holding companies
5. the uniform enforcement of these regulations across all financial classes, assets, firms, brokers and banks

As you know, Hank, transparency, mark-to-market and strictly enforced regulations of all banks, broker-dealers and financial institutions would deal a death blow to my plans to destroy the U.S. via destruction of its financial system. Having sold your soul to me for the glory and riches you received at Goldman Sachs, you had to comply with my orders to destroy any such useful regulations with cunning "fixes" of your own.

Though I counted on your native feral survival instincts, I did not expect a plan of such evil genius. Imagine how foolish and naive humans must be to accept your "fix"! My mind boggles at the ease with which you have conned the gullible gallery of idiots in Congress and the mainstream media:

1. You diminish the powers of the Federal agencies and favor the "shadow government" Federal Reserve, which is not even a government agency but a private institution.
2. Instead of proposing transparency, you are adding another layer of secrecy in what the Fed can investigate and do to "fix" future problems.
3. Enable more "self-regulation" (hahahaha, I can't stop laughing at this one! You really are a comedian!)

I am still amused that the American populace hasn't noticed that you, Master of the Dark Arts at Goldman Sachs, have been duly appointed as the wolf assigned to guard the sheep. Now you have suggested opening the rusty wire fencing and lighting the opening so your brethren can more easily slip in and slaughter as many sheep as they wish--and the American sheep sit there mesmerized by my other crowning achievement, the TV, blithely accepted that the most voracious, cleverest wolf is now their "guardian." Never in my wildest imaginations did I hope for such gross stupidity, ignorance and naiveté.

Keep up the fine work--

Your Lord and Master,

Lucifer

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financial comedy, satire, humor, laughs