Thursday
May132010
Goldman Sachs! The Musical
The hedge-fund manager JOHN PAULSON is in his mountain hideaway, stirring something in a CAULDRON. At his side is a VULTURE.
JOHN PAULSON:
Here is a derivative
Complicated, full of math
Here we have bad mortgages
Guaranteed to take a bath
By “take a bath” I mean to say
That they will almost surely fail
And we will bet against them then
Who cares if there’s a paper trail?
Do you see my strategy?
It has a pleasing shape, I think
A way that we can profit when
The market is pushed to the brink
But to commit these heinous acts
I’ll need a partner.
A foul bubble issues forth from the CAULDRON; when it pops, it speaks.
CAULDRON BUBBLE:
Goldman Sachs?
JOHN PAULSON:
Perfect. Brilliant. Exactly right.
Go to them, Vulture. Go! Take flight!
The VULTURE doesn’t move.
JOHN PAULSON:
I gave the order.
I said the word.
I meant what I said
Now go, great bird!
The VULTURE still doesn’t move
JOHN PAULSON:
When I say leave, it’s not idle chatter.
Why are you here? What is the matter?
The VULTURE sighs.
VULTURE:
I feast on
Decaying meat
But this seems like
A worse deceit
If you know that
This thing will tank
How can you take
Cash from the bank
Without a sense of
Crippling guilt?
This whole thing, John,
Is falsely built
It isn’t like I’m faint of heart
I eat creatures when they’re dead
Still and all, this scheme of yours
Rests uneasy on my head
JOHN PAULSON:
Well, you are oversimplifying
I think it’s time that you were flying
Off to Wall Street. Be on your way.
I’ll see you down there later today.
JOHN PAULSON strikes the VULTURE with the stick he uses to stir the CAULDRON. The VULTURE flies off.
JOHN PAULSON:
I’m in high finance
I’m not a librarian
I hope that stupid bird brings back
Some capitalist carrion
New York. The Goldman Sachs boardroom. The firm’s C.E.O. and chairman, LLOYD BLANKFEIN, is addressing company officers.
LLOYD BLANKFEIN:
Gentlemen, I called you here today
To say we’re losing money
The housing market’s crumbling quickly
We’re going with it; it’s not funny
The VULTURE flies in.
VULTURE:
John Paulson sends his love to you
He also has a proposition
About how you can make big bucks
Off the market’s demolition
LLOYD BLANKFEIN:
My name is real
Even though
It sounds like something out of Dickens
And when I hear
About big deals
My eyes go wide and my pulse quickens
The VULTURE explains the scheme. LLOYD BLANKFEIN nods, smiles, and nods again. One OLD MAN rises to protest.
OLD MAN:
Way back in 1928
We set up a closed-end fund
It worked just like a Ponzi scheme
Our investors were all stunned
For many years it hurt our name
And scuttled our good reputation
We shifted to investment banking
And that proved to be our salvation
Learn, then, from our checkered past
Remember the first Goldman, Marcus
Death showed him the door in 1904
But I can hear his spinning carcass
LLOYD BLANKFEIN:
Enough with the history lesson, Professor
It’s time to go out there and fleece the investor!
Goldman Sachs puts the plan into motion. When the housing crisis hits and people start to lose their homes, JOHN PAULSON earns a tremendous profit.
JOHN PAULSON:
I started out with thirteen billion
When things went down, my worth went up
In eighteen months I tripled that
The falling tide, it filled my cup
I made so much I couldn’t count
Ten million every single day
I’ve outearned Oprah, Trump, and Tiger
And nobody suspects foul play
At Goldman Sachs, the FABRICE TOURRE is minding his own business, wasting company time by writing flirtatious e-mails to his girlfriend MARTINE SERRE.
FABRICE TOURRE:
Other men are dull and drab
But I am the fabulous Fab
I’m a freakin’ cash machine
How you like me now, Martine?
MARTINE does not answer. FABRICE TOURRE sends another e-mail.
FABRICE TOURRE:
Dear Martine
I’m really keen
On our most recent creation
A Frankenstein
Of dollar signs
And intellectual masturbation
MARTINE does not answer. FABRICE TOURRE sends another e-mail.
FABRICE TOURRE:
When poor homeowners
Get the axe
We load gold
Into our sacks
We sell off short
And break their neck
Uh oh, look out
Here comes the Sec
MARTINE finally answers.
MARTINE:
I think it’s pronounced “S-E-C”
Your brain is smaller than a pea
The S.E.C. considers charging Goldman with fraud.
S.E.C.:
Should we let Goldman respond
Or should we name them in a suit
Should a weed be sprayed in the garden
Or ripped from the ground at the root?
The SEC decides to file suit. FABRICE TOURRE is named as one of the principal architects of the deceit. FABRICE TOURRE appears before Congress, where he is questioned by a Senate panel that includes CARL LEVIN (D-MICH).
CARL LEVIN (D-MICH):
I want to know what you knew
And exactly when you knew it
And why you all believed
You’d manage to get through it
FABRICE TOURRE:
We didn’t prey on our clients’ stupidity
We showed them our prices and offered liquidity
CARL LEVIN (D-MICH):
To you it may have been a game
To me it all seems pretty real
I mean to make you feel shame
For how you made this shitty deal
FABRICE TOURRE:
I’m not deceitful or conniving
Did you see the picture of me skydiving?
CARL LEVIN (D-MICH) questions LLOYD BLANKFEIN.
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Continue reading at the New Yorker >>
May 13, 2010 at 7:18 AM
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