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Saturday Night Live: Biden Assumes The Position While Obama Travels To Asia -- Aired Nov. 14

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Vice President Biden (Jason Sudeikis) believes he can get health care reform passed in a week while the President is gone.  Banks Obama embarked on a nine-day trip to Asia Thursday, "so for the next week, Joe's running things."

• "The stimulus is working.  Right now there are thousands of new jobs being created every day across America."

• "Foreclosure lawyers and repo men, temps and bankruptcy specialists, don't tell me no one is hiring. The quality of the work force is improving too.  If you drive behind a Home Depot right now to find a bunch of guys back there ready to help you put up a new deck, you'll find fellows with masters degrees, former professors and accountants.  It's amazing."

• "I would love to fix what's going on in Afghanistan, but there's one problem. Afghanistan is a mess, it can't be fixed. Trust me, I've been there."

• "I'm just giving it to you straight Biden style."

• "The president wants to pass a health care bill so bad that he will literally sign anything. You can water it down however you like--as long as it's a stack of paper with the words 'health care' on it he'll sign it!"

• "I want to make an offer to the first Republican senator to come across the aisle and sign onto this bill," Biden said. "You can write one provision of your own in the bill and seal it in this envelope right here. I promise I won't show it to the president until after he signs onto this bill."

• "For those Republicans who want the bill to protect doctors from medical malpractice suits, you win, we'll agree to a provision that makes it illegal to ever sue a doctor."

Biden also agreed that no copies of the bill would be printed in Spanish, and that the Republican provision attached can be anything from banning gay marriage to making it illegal to be Nancy Pelosi.

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