Dear Lloyd:
The last story got me thinking. You are clearly lost and unhappy this holiday season. Yesterday came word that you've banned employee holiday parties of greater than twelve people. I'm pretty sure that's the stupidest idea I've ever heard, but what do I know, given that I eat reindeer, drink warm Yoo-Hoo, live in an ice bucket, hang out with sexually-ambiguous elves and wear red velvet with white fur.
But I still pay taxes. So I have some thoughts on your difficulties. A few weeks ago it was God's work and now it's a Warren Buffet Snuggie ($500 million small biz initiative). You're looking for salvation and public acceptance; you want to be liked, again.
Mrs. Claus, Rudolph and I have some simple advice for you and yours at 85 Broad Street:
- Give back the $13 billion you received via the Geithner-Friedman AIG stealth bailout; give up your FDIC debt guarantee; and give in to the demands of many and relinquish your crisis gift from Bernanke of designation as a bank-holding company.
Start telling the truth. You are a hedge fund borrowing at 0% from the Fed, speculating in debt, equity, currency, and commodity markets, while your downside belongs to us. Be the first large bank to shed all vestiges of the bailout; garner the positive press and your reputation will be on its way to restoration. Your million dollar consultants are afraid to tell you the truth. There is only one path to redemption.
- First step: Take the $20 billion set aside for bonus payments this year; instead give taxpayers $13 billion (but not to Geithner who will recycle it) and add $7 billion to your capital reserves. Don't forget FASB will be asking you to bring trash assets back onto the books in January. You'll need the money.
- And next year, take $15 billion of the likely $25 billion you'll have planned for bonuses, give taxpayers $5 billion more as punishment for being general bastards, put $10 billion more aside for future cap reqs, and then NEVER EVER come back asking us for more money again.
Merry Christmas,
Santa Fred Claus
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